Contemplating an inconsistency…

I have removed most of this post, as the situation that led to my making it has now been resolved. I will leave the last bit in, however, as it’s more personal and less identifiable… For many years I have excused someone’s bad behaviour, knowing that it is beyond their control, but I’ve just haven’t recognised the impact on the other people who also have to live with it. And it has had a huge negative impact, which I need to acknowledge and try to redress, if it isn’t too late. This isn’t going to be easy, because I shall be swimming against the tides of mainstream society; luckily this will not be for the first time, so I have some idea what to expect and how to go about it! I will have to brave the disapproval of my family & friends, who have very little idea of what’s really been going on. I am afraid; I have been afraid of doing this for a very long time, but I’ve faced a growing certainty that I must do this for several years now. I’m in that awful moment where I have to place my trust in something/someone I can’t be sure of, and step over that abyss, because things are piling up behind me and there is no way but forwards…

It’s not that I’m unsure of God, just that I’m unsure of what I’m supposed to be doing and how. I’ve tried all the obvious things, and everything else I can think of too, and got absolutely nowhere. Ah well, He never promised us an easy ride…

Random dreams…

What’s brought me here again is a series of intense and threatening dreams, and a real-life conversation which left me reeling, suddenly realising that the “Doomers” might be not be quite so over-the-top as I’d previously assumed.

Oddly, the dreams seem almost more real than the conversation. In one, I was a teacher trying to save her class from a massacre, but in vain; they would not disobey the headteacher’s orders to wait calmly for help to come & run & hide with me. But the “helpers” were actually the assassins… I got away, by the skin of my teeth, and the kindness of a stranger, but most of my pupils didn’t. In another, I was walking along a cliff path, looking at some pretty cottages on the other side of the bay, when suddenly they faded and became a pastel drawing, before vanishing altogether. Instead, we saw a furious & deadly storm racing towards us across the sea, and realised we stood no chance if we were caught without shelter. There was nowhere to hide behind us so we had to go on up the path, not knowing what lay beyond, and my companions were stumbling, questioning and faltering all the way. Attempts to hurry them up just made them slower… But we did reach shelter, in a long, low building in an unexpected quarry, just as the storm broke over the hilltop and howled down the slope.

Anxiety dreams, without a doubt. And it’s probably unwise to read anything else into them at all, but they do accurately reflect my worries that our everyday world is spinning out of control in ways we’ve barely even started to notice.

The conversation – well, the less said, the better, in some ways. Suffice to say that I now know, from the best possible sources, that the “blip” in our financial systems a week or so ago was far from that… not that I have to worry, not having any investments! But only a fool would fail to see some of the wider implications… Time to make sure my cupboards are well-stocked, methinks.